Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Literally on a Rollarcoaster

I feel like i have been on a rollarcoaster of emotions lately
one day things are good, the next day you dont think things could get any worse
but right now i am down in the dumbs and im venting on here
its just what i need to do
so stop now if you wish to not here my nonsense of complaints

First off we celebrated my husbands Nana's 70th birthday :)
She is one of the most amazing person i know--she is strong, spiritual, full of knowledge, and would do anything for anyone with that huge heart she has.
All the family got together for dinner and cake (she thought thats all that was going on) --BUT one by one her friends started to show up!! SURPRISE she was so surprised!!! "what did you girls do all my friends are outside" she said hahahah --we all hung out and laughed (fun hearing all the old ladies tell stories hahah just sat back and enjoyed it all)  She is just such an extra ordinary woman and am so glad to get to not only get to call her my nana but also to have her in my family; cant wait to give her some GREAT grandkids
--hard to not have the mr there, he is nanas first grand child and she hold him so close to her heart --

My Grandma headed back into the hosptital, she has been so up and down! as soon as we think things are going to get better they go back down hill! ---she had tons and tons of test done

I then got to celebrate my birthday
birthdays are suppose to be fun
HOWEVER not so much this year
1. my husband isnt here 2. my grandma is sick 3. i have to work all day 4. no celebrating 5. really just doesnt even feel like a birthday!!!!

We recieved the news that my grandma is now terminal. (HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!)
We are unsure how much time we have left with her
there are going to be so many stages we have yet to go through
and i pray for strength!!!
im not sure if it is a blessing or if it is harder to know that we are now living life on a timeline
everytime we say goodbye i cant help but think if it is going to be the last time or not!!
I lay in bed and my mind overfills with thoughts
my biggest struggle is thinking of all the things she will not get to be a part of
being there for my mom its her mother you always need your mom no matter what you no matter how old you always need your mom i couldnt live without my mom!
my younger brother high school sports, graduation, life
my other brother falling in love getting married being successfull
my sisters family growing her being an amazing mother
my nephews getting bigger learning changing
my husband returning from iraq, us starting our family
i could go on and on and on
its just sad and im just sad

She is so little, so brittle!!
I just want her to get to do everything she wants to do
I just want her to be ready when its her time to go
I just want her to not have to be in pain
I just want her to tell me everything and anything
I just want to never let her go!!!

i quote her "there are going to be a lot of times that we just sit here and cry and thats okay that is just fine"

ssssooooo if you listened to my craziness of life and venting right now i ask for one thing! pray pray pray pray pray for my grandmother!! she needs all the prayers she can get --i know that "see you later" comes for everyone i just want her to find peace in it all "we are sad for us but we are happy for her to get to go spend life with her heavenly father; something we all live to do someday"

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